I can’t tell you how badly I want to get better. I know its a process and I know some days are better than others but I started “recovery” in sophomore year of high school and I don’t know when recovering becomes recovered.
I just know right now I’m addicted to being happy. I love being around people, and honestly, I’m not super close to everyone yet but the people here make me genuinely happy. And as much as it stresses me out, art makes me genuinely happy. Cute clothes make me happy and even dumbass Andrew makes me happy. I have very low moments here where I question everything, and currently I am at the highest weight I’ve ever been which terrifies me.
But I am a lot better then I thought I would be.
This is technically not my ideal weight or ever the healthiest weight and it boggles my mind that I was once under 100 pounds just a bit over 3 years ago. I am no where near where I want to be mentally or physically and I know later this week I’ll probably have a bad day and want to tear each hair from my body and cut every inch of fat from my thighs. But I need to remember how happy life makes me sometimes despite all that.
I need to remember that sad is just sad and sad goes away, sad is not forever anymore.